This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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