And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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