Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
