fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
