I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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