Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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