He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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