I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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