I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
PS: I just woke up from my shower
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
