Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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