if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
