the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
