ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
try to milk me bitch
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