I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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