I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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