Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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