Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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