Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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