Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize