All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
