We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
