Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
