My hand turned me down
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
