I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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