i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
