apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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