omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
