I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I need to sanitize my soul.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
