I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
