what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
