Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm just crazy horny about you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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