first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
