i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
