I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
