Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
