I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I can't put those talents on a resume
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So here I am, sexting at work.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
