I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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