Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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