Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize