My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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