We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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