So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
