Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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