a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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