I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
