White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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