even my farts smell like vagina
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
