I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize