Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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