we have officially lost it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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