I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
