Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
