Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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