The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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