I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
