Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
MIDGETS
????
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
