I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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