I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
