he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
