Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
