bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
