This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I could fuck to npr.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
