Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
