Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
