so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
